Who is Jovi?

This section will soon* be updated with useful information regarding the wedding day and whatnot.

Soon*, here you will be able find answers to everything from “Where is the closest lodging?” to “Will someone pull me out of the pond if I get drunk and accidentally fall into it?” (No, because snapping turtles)

*By soon, I mean when my handler provides me with sufficient guidance and direction.

Parking

There will be plenty of parking on property. Follow the signs. Although they haven’t been made yet, I am going to assume that they say something like “Parking” or “Park Here”.

If there are geese in the lot, bear in mind that they’re assholes and undocumented migrants from Canada. Do not show them any respect and DO NOT pay them for parking. It’s free. They’re just taking advantage of you.

Timeline of Events

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Places to Stay

Nearby Hotels

Home2 Suites by Hilton - Smithfield

Holiday Inn Express - Smithfield

Hampton Inn - Smithfield

The wedding is being held on a fairly large property; if you want to camp here in the woods, contact us and we’ll help make arrangements. Bear in mind that the deer here are known for stealing people’s shit.

Special Requests

“I’m a vegan! Please accommodate me!”

-Sure, Tommy will be more than happy to show you the best place to go fuck yourself.

“Do you have childcare available?”

-Absolutely. The kiddos can go into the chicken coop, which we affectionally call ‘Gaza’ because there’s no light, windows, or hope. But at least they won’t get out! Also, I’m getting word on a potential bouncy house, but I believe that is for the adults.